I'M SORRY I HAVE BEEN NEGLECTING YOU.

Tumblr stole my heart. Sorry.

And when the world got too much for me
I took off and left a memory
Thinking I'd find something better for me somehow
Oh but now

Whenever I run
Instead of running into the blue
I follow my heart
And there in your arms
Is where I find the love I need
And the best is yet to come
Baby you're the one I run to

I used to quit when it got too tough
Throw in my cards when I was down on my luck
But baby you mean too much to me
---------------------------------------------------------

This song explains everything I was thinking before I left, and everything I'm thinking now.

:D

He wanted me to stay. He wants me back home. Oh my god. You can't even imagine how happy this makes me. I mean, I'm still going to stay for awhile, but just knowing that this whole time he's been wanting me to come back and yet he wouldn't say anything because he wants me to be happy, even if that means not being there with him. If only he knew that nothing in this world would make me happier than to be there right now.

I can't believe how understanding he is. How the hell did I get this lucky? <33333333

jalksdfnm;asdnc;aidfnaskdf.
Super girly and corny post is over now. :)

Well then.

That status is starting to get to me. Maybe I'm just over-thinking it. Ugh. I need to know things are okay. Maybe I should stop worrying and just ask you.

Yeah...
I think I'll do that.

I really

really really really really really have to pee. Maybe I should go do that instead of laying directly on my bladder while I'm typing this.

By the way, Eclipse was awesome.
Taylor Lautner needs to birth my children.

Eff. My. Life.

I need to go home. Wait, no I don't. Yes, I do. Damn. I can't handle this shit. I love it here, so why would I want to leave? I want to leave because I need to see James, Sharon, Nina, Alex, Emma, Chelsea, and Luis. But I haven't even seen Lindsay yet. Hell, I haven't even seen Dallas yet.

I'm going through this huge mind-fuck, and I've only been here for a week. Wow, Lacey. You officially suck.

For God's sake.

Why can't you just tell me? I asked a simple question, and you wouldn't even answer it. I tell you everything, and you won't tell me this one thing.

"Before I moved, did you really want me to stay?"
"No answer."


What the hell?! Do you have any idea how this makes me feel? It makes me think you didn't want me to stay. And if you did, but you don't want to say it because you don't want me to make my decisions based on how you feel, then I understand it. But even then, it makes me wonder if you'll ever really tell me how you feel about something. I'm not going to base my life decisions on you. I just want to know if I was really wanted there.

That's all. :/

I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I thought coming here and getting away from home would make me happy. I am happy, but now I'm even more confused than I was when I left. I want to stay here because it's so relaxing and peaceful and fun. The people are friendly, it's easy to get a job, the prices and general cost of living is a hell of a lot better, and I've already made a new friend. But I want to go home eventually because I want to have my family and career there. I honestly don't know why, but I just do. Actually, I don't even know if I really want to. I just want to be with my friends. Then again, they have their own lives and things they want to do. I need to make decisions based on what I want. But I don't know what I want. I don't even know who I am at all. How can I expect anything in my life to work if I don't know who I am? And it kills me to say this, but no one knows who I am. Not even my closest friends. They think they do, but really, they only know who I choose to be around them. It's not that I'm fake or anything, they way I act with them is pretty much the person I believe to be, but not completely. I just want to know if I'm going to be okay. :/

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for everything to fall apart. I know something devastating is going to happen. I can feel it. I'm thrilled that I actually stuck to my plan of leaving California, but it's like there is something I can't seem to let go of. I don't want to go back, but I don't know if I can continue on ignoring the feeling I'm currently having. I thought coming here would help me find who I am. I thought it would help me fill this emptiness I've had inside me for years now. Instead, all it's done is make the emptiness more apparent. I'm not unhappy though. In fact, I'm happier and more comfortable here than I ever have been back home.

So, what do I do?

Stay here, in the best environment I can imagine, with more emptiness than I left with...

...or go back to my boring, unsatisfying life in California?

:/

I'm in Texas.

Honestly, I really like it. It feels like this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel so relaxed and comfortable here. The only downside is that my friends aren't here. James isn't here. I miss him so much; and it's only been three days.

This is definitely going to take some getting used to, but I couldn't ask for a better place to be right now.

Hell yes.

I got my belly pierced on Wednesday. Hopefully my tattoo is next. I need to talk to Steven about it first though. :/

Blah blah blah.

I graduated a few nights ago. I got this new laptop as a present. I'm hungry and I have to pee and I'm thirsty. I don't know which problem to solve first. I want these fake nails gone already. I have to go to the band room tomorrow and get my rifle and other crap.

Weird/pointless post is over now.

OH HEY THERE.

It's June.

I leave in exactly 20 days.

Holy shit.

I told you I love you.

The weird part about it is that it felt so natural. We both understand exactly what kind of love it is, and that makes me feel so much better about saying it. Everything just feels so right with you. Like, being with you is exactly where I'm supposed to be.

And I'll be leaving in a few weeks. :/

Why did something so great have to start at such a late time? I'm finally happy again, and now it's all about to change. I want this to work. I really, REALLY do. I just hope we're both strong enough to hold on until I come back. I hate that I'm going to be putting you through the hell that comes along with a long distance relationship. I'm sorry. :(

James,

I really hope you thought this all the way through. I can't stress enough how hard a long distance relationship is. Don't get me wrong, I'm more than happy that you actually want to date me, but I just don't want to hurt you.

I really hope this turns out okay.

This last week...

...has been one giant emotional rollercoaster. I've been happy, angry, upset, confused, insecure, confident, and everything else in between.

The Every 15 Minutes program made a huge impact on me. Of 16 students that "died", I personally knew 12 of them. One of which was one of my best friends, and another was someone that is guaranteed to make me smile and laugh on a daily basis. When I saw them get taken away, I just couldn't handle it. I missed them so much. The car crash scenario wasn't easy for me either. It reminded me of Timmy. Oh, and the flatline playing every 15 minutes was nothing short of devastating. I couldn't help but relive the memories of seeing John in the hospital bed.

Today was the funeral. It was so sad and moving. I haven't cried that much in months. When it was over, and immediately went to Emma and Aaron and gave them a hug. I love them so much, and I don't ever want to lose them again. Even if it was only for 24 hours.

In the last week, I've come to realize:
- Forgiving yourself and others for past mistakes is the first step to happiness.
- The drama and stupid fights aren't worth it.
- I take the time I have with the people I love for granted.
- I'm getting closer and closer to finding myself.

Basically, I appreciate life and my loved ones so much more. It troubles me how much I took that time for granted, but that's all going to change.

Soooo

The concert was fucking amazing. Seriously, it was one of the best concerts of my life. Cavo was really good, so now I absolutely HAVE to put them on my iPod. Oh, and Lifehouse made me fall in love with them all over again. :D

So far, this trip to San jose definitely hasn't been the worst I've ever endured. Then again, I'm only here for a few days. I miss home. I can't wait to come back and see all my friends again. :)

Hey.

Listen to me.

I don't care if you're a size 6/8, you WILL fit into that size 5 dress. He already has a date to prom, so you need to make sure you look better than her. You know he likes you, so now you need to make sure she knows it too.

You got this.
:D

Why does this always happen?

I'm starting to re-think my whole moving situation. I know I still want to go to Texas, but I'm not so sure I want to go to Colorado. I want to stay with Andi, but I want to see if things could possibly work with James. Maybe I should just come back home after I'm gone for a few months. Or maybe I should stop re-thinking every major decision in my life. I'm always second guessing myself and I hate it. I never know what is truly right for me. I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever know. :/

Really?

We went over this in Hawaii. If you have something to say, or if something is bothering you, then just fucking say it. I don't care if you're not a confrontational person. I'm your best friend. You need to talk to me. I completely agree, we are getting distant, but you talking crap about me to our other friends isn't going to fix it. This is all on you. I said everything I needed to. Obviously, you haven't. I'm leaving soon, so you better get it out while I'm still here.

Rant over.

Senior Exit Interviews

...are tomorrow.
Normally, I'd be running around pissing my pants and biting my nails. I hate being put on the spot. Although, I don't feel like that anymore.

Maybe it's because of how much I've changed, and that's yet another part of me that's gone.
Or maybe because it'll be April 27th.

John's birthday.

I can never find the right words to express the thoughts running through my mind.


That absolutely kills me.

So,

I sent you the letter.

I probably shouldn't have, but I did. Honestly, I feel so much better. It's like every emotion I've been feeling these past few months was finally brought out into words. For the first time in my life, I was able to say exactly what I was feeling without worrying if someone would understand me or not. I know you will though. You always do.

I don't know if this is my first step towards moving on, or if it's some kind of weird subconscience thing.

All I know is, I want you to be happy.
I need you to be happy.
If that means I have to stand by and watch you be with another girl, then so be it.

She's gorgeous, understanding, and certainly a step up from me.
I want this to work out for you because when I know that you are truly happy, then I will be too.

Graduation is so soon.

I'm ready to get the hell out of here.
:D

Ugh.

My shoulder is still messing up. It doesn't really hurt anymore, but it still feels like it has to pop. :/

I never thought a Hannah Montanna song would describe my exact thoughts at this point in my life.

"And now I just don't know who I really am; how it's gonna be.
Is there something that I can't see?
I want to understand.

Maybe I will never be who I was before.
Maybe I don't even know her anymore..."

I just want to to understand myself again. Ever since that night in January, I've felt like I've lost a part of who I am.

My first post on this site.

I have no idea what to write.
Oh well.