I don't know what the hell I'm going to do. I thought coming here and getting away from home would make me happy. I am happy, but now I'm even more confused than I was when I left. I want to stay here because it's so relaxing and peaceful and fun. The people are friendly, it's easy to get a job, the prices and general cost of living is a hell of a lot better, and I've already made a new friend. But I want to go home eventually because I want to have my family and career there. I honestly don't know why, but I just do. Actually, I don't even know if I really want to. I just want to be with my friends. Then again, they have their own lives and things they want to do. I need to make decisions based on what I want. But I don't know what I want. I don't even know who I am at all. How can I expect anything in my life to work if I don't know who I am? And it kills me to say this, but no one knows who I am. Not even my closest friends. They think they do, but really, they only know who I choose to be around them. It's not that I'm fake or anything, they way I act with them is pretty much the person I believe to be, but not completely. I just want to know if I'm going to be okay. :/

I'm waiting.

I'm waiting for everything to fall apart. I know something devastating is going to happen. I can feel it. I'm thrilled that I actually stuck to my plan of leaving California, but it's like there is something I can't seem to let go of. I don't want to go back, but I don't know if I can continue on ignoring the feeling I'm currently having. I thought coming here would help me find who I am. I thought it would help me fill this emptiness I've had inside me for years now. Instead, all it's done is make the emptiness more apparent. I'm not unhappy though. In fact, I'm happier and more comfortable here than I ever have been back home.

So, what do I do?

Stay here, in the best environment I can imagine, with more emptiness than I left with...

...or go back to my boring, unsatisfying life in California?

:/

I'm in Texas.

Honestly, I really like it. It feels like this is where I'm supposed to be. I feel so relaxed and comfortable here. The only downside is that my friends aren't here. James isn't here. I miss him so much; and it's only been three days.

This is definitely going to take some getting used to, but I couldn't ask for a better place to be right now.

Hell yes.

I got my belly pierced on Wednesday. Hopefully my tattoo is next. I need to talk to Steven about it first though. :/

Blah blah blah.

I graduated a few nights ago. I got this new laptop as a present. I'm hungry and I have to pee and I'm thirsty. I don't know which problem to solve first. I want these fake nails gone already. I have to go to the band room tomorrow and get my rifle and other crap.

Weird/pointless post is over now.

OH HEY THERE.

It's June.

I leave in exactly 20 days.

Holy shit.